I hope you could help me as you have helped so many. I read your column every day and I really enjoy doing so. I have been living with my boyfriend for three years.
He asked me to marry him but I have not made up my mind, because he is very jealous. He has even threatened to beat me, and I told him that the day he attempted to do so he will be sorry, and his mother will mourn her loss because he is very close to her. I cannot even describe how much I love this man, but his jealousy is getting the better of me. I am 28 and we work for the same company. But I only moved in with him a year ago. He thinks that I am involved with every male customer I deal with at the company. I am tired of his foolishness.
Earlier this month he saw a number in my phone and questioned me about it. I told him that it was a customer’s number. The man declared war on me and wanted to know why I had a customer’s number in my phone. I made it worse by calling him ignorant and stupid, and I asked him if I could not have a customer’s number in my phone. Here is where you come in, Pastor. Every time this man and I have a serious argument, we make up by having sex, and that sex is nicer than when we are in peace. I don’t know why. When it is all over, we laugh and congratulate each other. The last time we had a serious disagreement, our sex was explosive and then he said to me, “That’s why you can’t leave me.” Pastor, is that normal? I am hoping to hear from you soon.
I think that what you are trying to say is that you and your boyfriend look forward to making love after you have had strong disagreements. That type of sex is called ‘make-up sex’.
Frankly, you might enjoy that type of sex, but the problem that causes the disagreements still remains, and that problem should be dealt with. You have allowed your boyfriend to get the impression that everything is all right with you by consenting to have explosive sex with him. That type of behaviour is sweeping the problem under the carpet, but that is not what should be done. The problem should be discussed and if you need help from a professional, both of you should make an appointment to see one.
I am sure that when you ask me whether it is normal to have sex after an argument, I am assuming that you know the problem still remains. You know that this man is a jealous man, so he needs to deal with this matter of jealousy. Anyone who is overly jealous is a dangerous person, and a jealous person may do crazy things and hurt their partner. This man does not trust you; but a good relationship has to be built on trust. If this man does not trust you, he will be watching you for the rest of your life. So I will never encourage any woman to marry a very jealous man, because her life is precious and she has to protect her life. If this man is not willing to go for counselling, you should plan to leave him, regardless of how sweet the make-up sex can be from time to time.